The Month of Realizations

You would think that I laze around all month long and then on the last day my alarm rings and I write whatever shit is in my head just to complete my monthly blog.  But that’s not true. I have a lot of color notes saved with ideas for the blog posts. But of course, in the end, I laze around and my alarm rings and I write whatever shit is in my head 🙂  Maybe those color notes will just transform into a book someday.

So what about this month’s post. I guess February was quite a reflective month for me.

1. I have no idea what I am doing and what I will be doing a few years from now. And so continuing that ‘not knowing phase’, there was a conference organized in our college wherein big economists, one RBI ex-governor and certain researchers came and presented the papers. And it was so boring that I can’t even share. So that led me to think that ok maybe I’m not meant for economics. I need to change my stream after the remaining 2 years or maybe even now. So that was one day.

I am almost 19 and I have no f****** idea about what I will be in 5 or 10 years down the line and it’s not even that I don’t have any dreams.  I have a LOT of dreams but I am not really doing anything to achieve those dreams which is a bummer. But at the same point, I am not half as sad as I am excited about my future. Because what’s better than not knowing?! You only complete a book or a movie because you want to know how it ends. If you knew that already, will the journey be adventurous?  (Though I don’t know if that’s the correct way to be :3)

2. After a monotonous experience of what economists do, there was yet another seminar cum presentation held which was compulsory to attend. And I am glad that I didn’t miss it. There was this professor presenting his paper on the current budget announced and its analysis with respect to inflation and some other other things. And boy was the presentation good. It was so good that the ‘not knowing phase’ immediately changed into ‘I know everything that I want to do’. I want to be like this man. Graduate in Economics, do Masters from a foreign university and then do a Ph.D. and be a professor in IIM. So damn simple, no?

3. My brother’s two friends are studying for civil services after taking a break of around 2 years. One of them got to the final round last year but not further so she reappeared this year again. And that was inspiring because I want to do something for the people too. I know it sounds hilariously cliche but it’s actually true. I love teaching and I really want to improve and bring some reforms in the educational system of India which is a shit hole. So that was another realization, kind of.

4. I talked about dreams right. So my dream 4-5 years ago was to become a writer and a filmmaker. A lot of people know about the writer thing but only a few of my friends know that I want to become a director someday. Maybe just an AD will do. I just want to present a story, my own story, to people. And being a scriptwriter could serve both the purposes. I joined the film and photography Society of my college in the same hope that I would learn something that would help me change this dream into a reality someday. Although the society hasn’t really taught me anything yet, but its annual fest was organized a few days ago and being a member I had to perform a lot of duties. One of them was to accompany the judge for the short filmmaking event and write his notes as he judged each movie. He would watch the short film and in between say his comments and I had to just note them down while watching the movie as well. And that was the first time I actually got to know how filmmakers and cinematographers actually view the movie. I learned their own perspective which was fascinating. And after learning some of that, I also tried to judge the last movie noticing every single aspect. Or at least I tried my best.

The judge was our alumni and is a renowned cinematographer working in various ad films and movies.  After the event, I got in touch with him for some guidance and he has advised me to read a few books which I will after my exams and hopefully try to at least be a little nearer to my goal. I will focus on scriptwriting currently because cinematography would be little difficult without my own camera and zero editing knowledge.

I am just glad that the random person to write his notes was me. Otherwise, there would never have been a point number 4 in this post 🙂

5. My parents celebrated their silver anniversary this month. 25 years of being together. Apart from them maybe only their children including me know how interesting as well as difficult it is to be with someone for such a long time.  You think you know them but they irritate the hell out of you. You think they don’t care anymore but they show you how affectionate they really. In the end, it’s good. Just plain happy good. Being just 18 I’ve never really thought about relationships much or in fact at all. But I thought that day. I thought how cool it is to have someone with you every moment of your life. To be happy with, to be sad with. To be excited, to be romantic. to be clumsy, to be calm, to creative. Just to be. It sounds overwhelming, I wish it would happen to me sometime.

6. All my grandparents are approaching 80 years of age. One of them is really ill and doesn’t remember much. Another one of them recently became a little ill and it was the first time he did not remember my name or ask for me when I did not tag along with mom. I don’t know whether I was so sad or angry that I started crying. And then I realized they all have had their part of life and are going to die someday soon and we have to be prepared for that day. It’s so easy to just write that I need to be prepared. But how does one prepare for somebody’s death? How can just somebody know that they won’t see or talk to the person anymore. That you won’t be able to hug them anymore or say that we love you and you are the best?

7. Just today, I was talking to my Mom on the phone and after conveying the needful, I was hanging up by saying, “Chalo theek hai. Okay” in my usual bye bye tone. And I don’t know if my mom missed it or what but she continued a little and then was hanging up by saying, “Chalo theek hai. Okay” in the exact same tone like I said!!  It was a WOAH moment for me. I am SO much like my mom. It’s scary sometimes because I do love her, but I don’t really want to end up like her i.e. hobby-less and a whatsapp creature who has ‘Maths is Passion’ as her tagline on Facebook xD Hmm, I need to get better hanging up lines!

I also realized that this blog is becoming more and more of a diary. My future self will be happy reading this instead of my amusing handwriting.

P.S. The proof of how lazy I am becoming is that I didn’t type this post, rather voice-noted it on a new app which I love already. And then made a few edits of errors which were probably made because of my accent when I am hungry.

Seeya next month! Hopefully a day before the last day. (changing my alarm shhh)

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