It is one habit that I try every year and fail every year. I don’t know how long will I be able to continue it this time. But I think it will be the longest spree. Because I am not reading to get hold of the news. I am reading just to read.
My favourite kind of end to a day: 10PM, all tasks for the day completed, all pre works for the next day completed, everyone at home asleep, light wind, mobile’s internet turned off, light-music playlist in my ears, and my thoughts.
Currently playing: Anchor by Novo Amor (I had no idea this was the name of this song that has been in my playlist for 2 years just because I liked the sound of it)
Currently eating: Potata! First heard of it 2 days ago when my brother brought it as a souvenir from his Palampur mini stay and now I have added 10 more packs of it to my amazon basket.
People will tell stories about you at your funeral. What chapter are you writing today?
I’m in the middle of a chapter I would definitely skip reading because the protagonist is either crying in front of her laptop or in the bathroom or while cycling. There are no motivating dialogues in this chapter, nor are there any jokes. She doesn’t know what will all the work she’s been doing lead up to. She doesn’t know if it’s even enough. She can’t answer easy questions when asked firmly. And she hates to be seen as weak.
She hasn’t been talking to people and her plans don’t work. She has had momos for dinner thrice a week but not enough water even a single day.
She always wanted space around her but now that she finally has it, it seems intimidating. She wants to fight but doesn’t know her opponent.
She’s dull, confused and crying.
I want to skip this and start reading the chapter where she is…well, I don’t know yet. Does it get better?
P.s. I have never felt like this before. I’m the most positive person I know. But right now everything seems bleak. And I sincerely hope all this is just my highest ever dose of pmsing because I can’t live like this.
May it be Diwali or Eid, a holiday other than the weekend demands the elaborate house cleaning and throwing away expired stuff. Starting with the kitchen cabinets, on to snacks, medicines and that one drawer which bears the brunt of everything unwanted at the moment. Last came my own closet. It’s not like I don’t clean and sort my stuff regularly (would you like to see my spreadsheets and notion?), it’s just that throwing away stuff has always been tough for me.
I grow up every time, taking out old things that I wouldn’t have the previous time. It’s a slow journey and I hope to enjoy it all along.
This is a reminder, nudge, and a threat to the slowly fading dream of mine: writing.
I like writing. Always have. Personal anecdotes, ultra short tales, content for awareness, journaling, jokes for future stand up, what not. I like it, I love it, I just don’t do it enough.
I found an old notepad of mine from 2017 today with faintly readable scribbles starting from the back of the pad. They are just ideas- for a plot, for a short anecdote, some one liners even. I had not totally forgotten about it, but with so many things that happens in one’s life, sometimes important things take a backseat and become egoistic and silent.
They need an acknowledgment of existence. Today was one. Or maybe it was yesterday when I met my grandmother after more than a month for the first time in my life. I prepared a care package for her, with books, bookmarks, notebooks, pens and pencils. I asked her to read the books quickly and ask for new ones, to use one of the notebook to write steps of using the new smartphone she has, and to write on the second notebook, about anything and everything from her life. Her eyes sparked, and with a smile she asked, “in Hindi or Punjabi?”. I would have revised my Punjabi all over again just to read what she writes but she decided Hindi would be easier for my not so multilingual brothers. And she already had a name! “जीवन की लीलाएं”.
It felt like she was ready for it, just never knew how to begin. I wish I knew earlier and had gifted her one of my 700 blank journals.
I can’t turn back time but what I can do is not let myself become an old granny waiting for one of her devotees (I won’t have kids, I’ll have devotees) to hand me a notebook and pen to write on. Because I already know how to.
This is it. I am not going to follow any daily or monthly challenge or prompts or ideas. I am going to follow my creative af brain and just get to it. No deadlines, but more importantly: no pattern. I always look for a pattern, an order of things and the moment that order is lost, I stop the task. I do not appreciate randomness, but I am growing.
I am going to write now!! Whenever I wish to, on whatever idea, with no uniform length and, in English and in Hindi (जब से हिंदी की 3 किताबेें क्या पढ़ीं, काफ़ी मन बन गया यह भी करने का).
WISH ME LUCK. Or don’t. Because I got this. (I’ll always appreciate some feedback)
“If you begin to lose faith in humanity: travel. The milk of human kindness emanates from locals and fellow travelers alike. Your faith will be redeemed many times over and you’ll always receive more than you can give. And when you cannot travel, open your home to a traveler and travel vicariously through them.” (Episode: Couch surfing in China)